When a Man decides a Woman doesn’t need him. (Or any other man for that matter).

I was out for lunch with a girlfriend of mine today. We were catching up and we got to the topic of men and relationships. We celebrated the joy of one of our fabulous sisters who has met an amazing guy and although I haven’t met him – I have spoken with him and my girl has definitely met her man.

We were comparing notes on conversations that we’ve both experienced directly and indirectly. Basically we’ve heard the reasons why some men at 35 were prepared to remain single.

“Black women are just too demanding.”

“Black women are just too ambitious”

“We’re not interested/prepared/ready to take on the responsibility of a relationship and all the things is brings.”

“Black women are on a higher level than me and as I can’t reach her then I know I’m not good enough for her so why bother trying. I’ll have to consider widening my options and date outside my race.”

“For most black women, there’s nothing really that I can give her.”

I’ve been hearing this stuff and more from black men in their 30s and 40s and put it down to all the cultural and social issues that we may have as offspring of first & second generation immigrants to the UK. However, I’m growing increasingly worried that I keep hearing this from twentysomethings. I just can’t believe it! I thought that my generation and older as products of the feminist movement of the 1960s to late 1970s were basically dealing with the shift of women’s changing place in society and it’s impact on our environment.

But to hear both black and white people in their twenties giving up on finding a partner… I go crazy and then get concerned. Why why why are we thinking this way? When I was in my twenties I was out dating different guys and had the odd relationship with hope that I would find the right one. These young people aren’t even dating! What happened in 15 years?

My girlfriend and I were talking about a mutual friend and she said something that I’ve heard before and doesn’t completely surprise me.

“Desiree doesn’t need a man”, our mutual friend said “With all she has going for her and because of who she is she won’t need one”.

I laughed, probably out of slight surprise but we questioned what our mutual friend meant by me not needing a man. I’ve heard it’s the general consensus that successful, ambitious women find it hard to meet and settle with a man that they can converse, learn, share, build, grow, love and level with. I know a few women that have broken that “rule”. However, with so many men telling women (including myself) that they won’t find a man who’d love them the way they want, what does that do for womenfolk? What do we do? Become resentful, bitter, angry, enter promiscuous relationships with no promise of any deeper connection, become celibate or seek alternative relationships?

And what of our brothers? I’d really like you to ask me what I want/need before assuming what I need and what I don’t. Yes I’m successful in my own right, I’m happy and my life is without drama and like most women, I expect 2 things – respect and love. The fundamentals. I understand that the definition of love is different for everybody. But if it’s way too different, I won’t try to change you, we’ll just have to agree to disagree and move on. If we agree to agree, well let’s grow from there.

But truly, let’s open the dialogue for us to air what’s truly bugging us about each other, maybe we’ll understand each other better. Well that’s what I’d hope for.

8 thoughts on “When a Man decides a Woman doesn’t need him. (Or any other man for that matter).

    • Desiree Post authorReply

      @Steve Roberts, thanks for your poem.

      It’s truly beautiful – you have a talent with words.

  1. Lisa Reply

    While those are excuses that many black men put out there, maybe it is true. Should a black woman settle for a man who is not their all in expectations. If the man feels that way, really he is trying to tell you he is not the one, you deserve someone better.

    Black men are funny, while there are some good ones out there, the rest are just in a situation they do not want to remove themselves from. You want a man that you can grow with, have ambitions, have goals, etc. Men, any culture, who lack ambition, or goals are really just going to hold you back from achieving what you want.

    The right man is out there. He will find you, or consider yourself lucky that your still single and not married.

    • Desiree Post authorReply

      @Lisa, Thx for your message. I believe he’s on his way. I just need to do my bit to get ready.

      In fact, I’m enjoying singledom, but I know it’s just a short term situation… 🙂

      All the best and Happy New Year!

  2. Jacob Blackson Reply

    It often amuses me when black women harp on about how they do not need a man. What exactly is that meant to mean? Can a man ever be in a position to say that he honestly does not need a woman? The answer is never, unless he swings for the other side. Men dont even reason like that. The point i am making is that you as women should never ever fool yourselfs into thinking that you will ever be in a position where you will never need a man. That is a cruel hoax and scam perpetrated by an evil and wicked ideology called feminism and it has succeeded in tearing the family structure asunder. Funnily enough, this idea was created by other people but it has been embraced with fervant abandon by women of colour. What has been the result of this? walk down any street in London, New York, Chicago, Atlanta, Washington DC and observe the debarcle and foolishness that our younger generations are gleefully rejoicing in, i.e. shootings, stabbings, prostitution, sexual deviancy and a rapidly increasing prison population….and all because the woman doesnt need a man any more!! Wake up sisters!! You have always and will forever more always need and require a man to complete your life. That is the way the MOST HIGH created it and that is how it will ALWAYS be.

    SELAH

    • Desiree Post authorReply

      Hi Jacob, thanks for your response.

      The subject of my post is entirely the opposite of your response. There are some men who do not approach certain women like myself because without asking me, they think that I don’t need or want a man. And that’s because to them my life is fulfilled with a great occupation, a great life, great friends and nice possessions.

      Personally I don’t know any women who say they don’t need a man. I agree with you it’s nature’s and God’s way for men and women to be together – it’s the yin and the yang of life.

      I do believe that the root of most of our issues as black women and men trying to live together on the planet is that we don’t communicate. By talking more, we can shatter some of the myths perpetrated by ourselves and the media we so despise except when MTV or reality TV is being aired.

      Also, there is an issue with black men and women stepping up to the plate – whatever that is. The amount of times I’ve heard excuses for a brother not to date me (he hasn’t even asked me so he’s made a judgement on my own response) as a black woman and why he should consider dating all other races exclusively is very sad.

      I think that part of the issue is that some of us tend to suffer low-self esteem when it comes to relationships that we’re not willing to work hard for it, fight for it or ask the difficult questions. We all want someone who is strong but we need to be clear on what strength means to us, because it would seem that my strength is intimidating to some men – I can’t help that. I’m me.

      So I’m more interested in your thoughts regarding men telling their male and female friends that certain women don’t need men and therefore there’s no point in even talking to them about a date – I’d love to know what you think.

      Have a great day.

  3. Jacob Blackson Reply

    Oh, ok. Sorry i got the wrong end of the stick. I am thinking that maybe some of these men are not on your educational, professional, and/or intellectual level and thus will feel that they are unable to be themselves when they are with you. But that goes for anybody who mingles with people who have achieved more than them.

    This thing about ‘my strength is intimidating to some men’ is a little old and i have heard it several times from black women. Trust me when I say this, men are NEVER intimidated by a woman. Men are just not built that way. We do not compete with women in any shape or form as our object of competition, threat, and intimidation has been and will always be other MEN.

    Amongst all races of women in the world, it is only a black woman that competes and strives to out do her men with gleeful abandon, which is not only weird, unnatural, and amusing, but in essence SATANIC. A man is not interested in how many degrees, cars, houses, or accolades a woman may possess. Sure, these are nice, but a man looks to see whether a woman will be a good mother for his children, a strong backbone for his family, a home maker and a compassionate help mate. He does not EVER look at a woman and think ‘wow! wifey’s got three degrees, a Mercedes Benz’s, Louis Vuitton sweat pants, and a stash of cash to boot!!! I cant wait to get home and be with her!!!’ Men just don’t think like that. We just don’t CARE about that stuff as these are attributes and qualities that we use to attract women! Black women nowadays act far to masculine and have thrown away their feminine traits, and that is why you see black men preferring to date other races of women. Trust me when I say this but this will rise to and unprecedented level in the next 10 to 15 years as black men feel that women of other races are easier to get along with and are more supportive and interested in raising a family.

    You see, and don’t be offended by this, but the women’s liberation movement has been a cruel hoax played on women (particularly you black women). You have been told, quite erroneously I might add, that you have been oppressed, downtrodden, maligned and bamboozled by the evil and wicked man. You have been told that if you got yourselves a career and aspire for things that men aspire for by instinct, then therein lies your freedom and happiness! However, the opposite is true. Black men have never oppressed black women. Today over 70% of black women are single and 70% of black children are born out of wedlock. Is this freedom? is this the stuff of happiness? Me thinks not. The way society is structured today women are encouraged to act like men and true men are scorned and ridiculed for possessing masculine tendencies and traits.

    Who are the two most promoted and protected group of people in the society today? That’s right, women and GAY MEN. All through out the corporate world women and gay men rule supreme and men, especially the black man, who is the epitome of hyper masculinity, are few and far between. For sure and in deed, there is a concerted effort to destroy the role men play in society, and this is executed with the most fervor in the black community. The result of which is a total and utter breakdown of society and the slow but deliberate elimination of the black man. Do you honestly feel that there are few black men out there that do not have the education, intelligence, or wherewithal to compete with any and any one in society? We are just not given a chance, and to be frank black women are of no threat what so ever to this society. But us black men? These people know that by nature we are not down with them and by our very essence object to their way of life.

    • Desiree Post authorReply

      So Jacob, I’m going to take each of your comments para by para:

      1st para: yes I agree with you. This isn’t limited to male and female relationships either

      2nd para: well in fact, it came from the mouths of the men – not me and it may be due to your comment in para 1. In fact, whilst it may be your experience that men do not compete with them, I have experienced several occasions when men have deliberately blocked me from participating and achieving in the same arena with them. I asked why and they told me that they didn’t want to share with me or even have to compete with me. So there you go – there are some men that ARE intimidated by what a woman can do in relation to what they can do. If you’re trying to say that it is us women who compete with men, then I will not deny that. In our journey for equal rights – same pay as men in the same jobs, same qualifications as men, same legal rights as men, same voice as men, same right to vote as men – women have burned their bras, when that didn’t work they chained themselves to buildings, when that didn’t work they tried all sorts of things to take a stand for their rights and now things are getting better.

      There were men who fought women every step of the way. How do you win some battles? By playing the same hand as your opponent and in some cases that was by being competitive with men. Remember it’s not in our nature as women to compete, but in order for anyone to achieve their goals sometimes you do whatever you have to do. And due to that, many rules of the law books have been changed to give women more equal rights that we ever had before. Men by nature are competitive yes, but talking and asking for our rights was not getting women anywhere. All I can say is that women are not interested in going back to what it was like before the 1930s so if men can’t handle competition, it’s here to stay.

      I keep hearing the issue about men not wanting to compete with women. Whilst men and women are not made equal, and some areas I agree men vs women activity is debatable such as sports, why is it an issue in the jobs domain? Why shouldn’t a woman compete for the same job as a man if they both have similar characteristic traits, great attitudes and the same qualifications if there is no physical limitation? As humans we evolve. And perhaps we’re witnessing the fastest evolution of our physical and mental capabilities of our lifetimes. I believe we should learn more about why this is happening and find ways to embrace it and make it work best in our favour only if we have good intentions.

      para 3: hmmm – I was not going to upload your response with this paragraph because my blog will not be used as a platform for hating on anyone. That’s not me and I will not tolerate it. Your view is your view as is mine, but I will not endorse any hating whatsover, but I have to respond to your comments.

      Firstly, as I indicated in your my last response talking about women not wanting a man is off topic. You apologised in paragraph 1 so it’s clear to me that you have an agenda to be hating on the sisters. NOT ON MY BLOG!

      Secondly, I take it that you’ve been in relationships with women of all races to know that ONLY black women compete with men with glad abandon. Or maybe your friends have too? You haven’t mentioned any of your own personal experiences, so I can only glean from your response that some may be down to experiences and then the rest your taking from some other anti-black women camp. If this is your personal experience – then it is a pity you had to go through this – I wouldn’t wish it on my worst enemy. However, alot of what you said was generalist, inaccurate, and not of reality. There are MEN and WOMEN who only want to be with someone of status. I know from my own personal experiences. The things you say men care about, there are some women who care about those things too. But I don’t have to tell you that cos you’re smart, right?

      In relation to the behaviour of black women, we teach others how we’d like to be treated – that’s Psychology 101 and the Bible. From my own personal experiences, some men have taught some of us women how they’d like to be treated and vice versa. So when a good guy comes along, he gets all the crap from the idiot(s) before. Like I said in my previous response, this isn’t down to just women, this a men and women thing. For example, I’m being really open minded with you, but if I wasn’t, you’ve already shown me how I should treat you.

      Interestingly enough as a Londoner, we have probably the highest rates of interracial relationships in the world. Men with non-black women stood at 75% a couple of years ago. While this bothers some women, it doesn’t bother me. Why am I worried about a man who isn’t interested in me because I’m black? Why are you bothering with women who are not feminine and competitive and interested in you because of your status? Leave them alone and go in search of someone who you want and wants you back. I hear too many people, mainly brothers bugging over something that is really glass half empty. There are lots of amazing sisters out there. Walk away from the non-amazing ones and they will get theirs. Concentrate on yours. And if you’re that generous write a positive book or workshop where brothers communicate what they want in a sister – don’t complain do something about it!

      With feminism, I think the main problem is that it means different things to different people. For some of my male friends, they would be happy for their women to work and they stay at home. They just want their women to be feminine. Some love independent women but can’t handle a women’s independence and attribute it as aggressive, non-participatory, un-family, not black. You haven’t specifically defined what feminism means to you but if all you want is a feminine, non competitive woman who doesn’t aspire for wealth and a career, along with a family – then be careful where you look and be clear about what you want.

      Yes there are high %s of single black female households. So when the men walk out, not taking responsibility for their kids, not contacting the kids, are you saying this is the woman’s fault? In the US and in the UK at the same time, social welfare laws were changed to give more money to single family households and of course these are primarily female. Whilst there are some women who took advantage of this – black, white and yellow – this also increased the numbers children sired by men as the government indirectly told them that they were no longer responsible for their children’s mothers or their children – the government will do that for them. And we have a much more generous system here in the UK than you do in the US.

      🙂 Your quote – “You have been told, quite erroneously I might add, that you have been oppressed, downtrodden, maligned and bamboozled by the evil and wicked man. You have been told that if you got yourselves a career and aspire for things that men aspire for by instinct, then therein lies your freedom and happiness!” 🙂 Are you serious??!!! LOL We were all told as black people that the road to freedom and happiness was an education to get a good job and a career to earn as much money as possible to live a comfortable life. That message for us blak females was no different from black males. The additional factors would be the support for achieving those goals – and I wonder who you would blame for that? Also, black women were never told that the black man was our oppressor, we were told it was the white man. And remember historically it is the white man (some) who has oppressed Jews, Arabs, Women, Disabled also etc – check history. And also check with your female friends to get the truth. It sounds like you’re only having conversations with too many angry black men. And at the same time I agree, men in general are getting a hard deal. So what do you do? Stop whingeing, and make do for yourself. Compete, take action, get involved – that’s what us women did, it’s what successful black men do. It’s what all successful people do – if the path isn’t laid before them, they get a pick and build their own road to success.

      Role of the man is being crushed… another myth. Men are still leaders, there’s is still a corporate ceiling for women, men generally are responsible for law making. What it is is that in society, women are now playing the role of implementer/doer previously occupied by men only. It’s still is a man’s world out there – women have a greater influence in it that’s all. And generally, most women are not interested in running the world because they recognise a man’s role in building anything. It’s all down to whether they make the choice to let him participate.

      I agree with you that there are many laws, actions and instructions in place to destruct our community. However, with tomorrow being a milestone in not only black history, but recent human history I would encourage you to hold your head up high and take example. I don’t know who you are, but your anger is mis-directed, your focus is negative and you’ve made an unintelligent representation of your views which is severely unbalance. Therefore as I said, treat others who you’d like to be treated. You’ve already shown me in words how you would like to treat you. I will not do that, but other women (of any race) will.

      You haven’t demonstrated respect for black women (or me for that matter when I requested for you to keep on topic), instead you’ve gone on a tirade against WHO I AM – a black woman. However, I’m not offended, because I do not represent any of the attributes you’ve described – and I’m bigger than that. I’m only interested in uplifting people regardless of their race, gender or challenge – if that’s what they want. You’ve shown that you’re only keen to perpetuate the same rigmarole of being down on the sisters whether it has been part of your experience or not. You’ve not said anything positive or uplifting to encourage sisters or that you are a wonderful man and that they should keep searching for the man they truly desire. You’ve not mentioned anything to encourage the brothers to not pay mind to women that do not match what they are looking for. You’ve shown no ounce or glimmer of positivity for the sisters. Maybe you’ve been hurt really badly and that’s hard to recover from, but check this – with comments like above, you are just pushing people away. Maybe you don’t want a black woman or any woman. If not, that’s okay too – it’s your life. Now reflect what you’ve written and my interpretation of your comments – yep that’s how you’re sub-consciously telling me to think about you, treat you and talk with you. But notice, I’m communicating with respect, because I have respect for everyone until they prove they are not worthy of it.

      A male friend once told me that when it comes to women, a man’s sole purpose is to please her. Maybe you disagree with him. By what you’ve written, anyone who may Google you and see your comments will question that.

      I’ve spent too much time sharing with you, which is not really in my nature, on this topic, however I wish you all the best with whomever you spend the rest of your life with – whatever race she maybe from. May you find the woman who you desire and hopefully she desires you back. And for the rest of black womankind that don’t match up to your anti-feminist views, it’s best just to leave them be and stop the hating. For some reason you think being with a woman of another race will be easier than a black woman. Are you serious! Generally, it’s no different. It’s all down the the individuals in the relationship and how they project their views and values.

      Whilst there are some truths in your response above, how you positioned it doesn’t make you look good or cool. And that’s where I end my response AND our two-way because it’s negative and destructive.

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